I said this to someone at the gym yesterday “Fear doesn’t accomplish anything”, I was referencing my fear of jumping on the box. I stood at the box and cursed it, I have for weeks, fear kept me from jumping on it, then I said “fuck you” to the box and jumped on it. It was awesome and everyone was really happy for me.
Yesterday I was at the gym again and there was the box. I was excited at the prospect of jumping on it again because hell, I did it before. I stood at the box and hesitated, my heart was pounding, why was I so scared, I had this, I did it before. My trainer came over and said “look, fear is motivating too, don’t get upset because you are a little afraid to jump, fear just means that you want to do something”. I took some deep breathes and hesitated again, I couldn’t get my feet to leave the ground, I was disappointed. So I grabbed a 2 in plate and put it up against the box, jumped and landed it. I did that 5 more times and then I said “fuck you plate” and I stood at the box and jumped. It wasn’t pretty, but I landed it and my heart went through the roof, like panic attack. It hurt so bad and I could barely breathe, the trainer came back over and talked to me, I can’t tell you what we talked about but I slowly started to come down. I went back to the box and stood there again, I jumped 5 more times and then I was done, exhausted, wiped out and feeling happy and disappointed at the same time.
Doing something once just means I conquered fear for that day and time, the next time it means I still have to conquer that fear again. Same fear, different time period. This goes for healing from this pain that I fear, this emotional pain that I have spent a lifetime cramming into a box and putting on a shelf. I have taken it out a couple of times and conquered it but that doesn’t mean that I am still not afraid.
Fear might cause me to hesitate but it won’t stop me from healing or showing this emotional pain. It just takes a little time, I don’t jump the first time but I eventually do and the payoff is always worth it.